Austin's Top 10

Austin here -

So I’ll be honest, I wasn’t really planning on actually writing this list, but then I saw how inconceivably bad Matt’s list was and decided that you readers deserve a list worth reading. I did not see nearly as many movies as the other two did because I somehow even have more of a life than those two nerds.

I'm not going to have any summaries of the movies in my list because it's boring and nobody cares. Y'all gotta trust me and just see the movies I've listed.

Blah blah blah something witty, blah blah blah. Here’s my list:

10 - The Lost City of Z

I was actually looking forward to this movie because I had read the book the film was based on and it didn’t disappoint. Who knew Charlie Hunnam could act?

9 - It

If you look at It as purely a scary movie, it’s mediocre. But as a coming-of-age film, it’s really entertaining and fun. I was never really scared in this movie, but all the characters were fun and the Pennywise dancing scene was amazing.

8 - Mayhem

I thought Mayhem was going to be right up my alley and it is to a certain point. It’s ridiculous and entertaining, but it just feels like they didn’t go far enough. The pay off lacks and the action isn’t very interesting. That being said, I did really enjoy this movie and Steven Yeun is awesome in it!

7 - I Don’t Feel At Home In This World Anymore 

This movie is weird in all the right ways. It’s sooo indie, which would usually turn me off, but I Don’t Feel At Home In This World Anymore is so fun, funny, exciting, and ridiculous that it earns a big, fat gold star.

6 - Dunkirk

Okay, Matt diss round 1. This one might get me in trouble, but I think we all know by now that I don’t really care.

OF COURSE, THIS GODDAMN MOVIE DOESN’T HAVE FEMALE CHARACTERS IN THE FOREGROUND BECAUSE IT’S ABOUT A SCENARIO IN WHICH NO GODDAMN WOMEN WERE PRESENT. I swear, I almost had a stroke when I read Matt’s paragraph about this movie. If Matt wants to make a WWII movie about women's role in WWII, then he can do that, but why does Nolan need to shoehorn women into a movie that they’re not supposed to be in??? Hey Matt, are you going to denounce Saving Private Ryan and your beloved Spielberg? No, I didn’t think so. Oh, and before Matt starts with the Austin hates women thing, TWO OF THE MOVIES IN MY TOP 7 MOVIES HAVE FEMALE LEADS.

Now, let’s talk about the movie. Dunkirk is awesome. It’s 2 hours of pure suspense and it’s so well directed and shot. Everything about this movie is executed so amazingly and this is the movie I’m hoping wins best picture!

5 - The Blackcoat’s Daughter

It’s been established that I’m UTW horror movie guy and I have to say it was a down year for horror movies. However, The Blackcoat’s Daughter stands out as easily the best of the year (I don’t count It Comes At Night as a horror film). It’s eerie, it’s atmospheric, and has really good performances from some young actresses. This movie has what most modern horror movies don’t: subtlety. This movie will probably bore the average viewer. Luckily, we don’t care about them.

4 - It Comes At Night

This movie is so agonizingly suspenseful. It’s also extremely well done. I know audiences hated this movie because it was mismarketed, but audiences have an average IQ of about 40 so I don’t really care what they have to say. Do yourself a favor and watch this movie.

3 - Happy Hunting

I only watched this movie because the poster looked almost identical to that of Blue Ruin. Oh man, was that a great decision. This movie was probably so cheap to make, but it is so goddamn entertaining. First, the cinematography is amazing. Second, it has so much amazing schlock. I know that probably nobody has ever heard of this movie, but thanks to me, you have. Now, go on Netflix and watch it! And then, you can come back here and thank me. Oh, and one of the main characters looks like a domesticated Henry Rollins so that’s fun!

2 - Brawl in Cell Block 99

Okay, I don’t know where Matt is getting this overt “America!” message in this movie, but he also loves Hook so maybe we shouldn’t put much credence into his thoughts on movies… This movie is so good it’s annoying. The movie starts with Vince Vaughn literally ripping a car apart with his bare friggin’ hands. He then proceeds to punch everybody and everything in front of him. This is probably Vince Vaughn’s best performance.

1 - John Wick 2

Gabe and I saw this when it came out and we were giggling like little girls the whole time. C’mon it’s Keanu Reeves murdering everybody for over 2 hours. What’s not to like?

Honorable Mentions: Justice League and Wonder Woman:

I feel like I have to talk about these movies because I’m the token DC apologists at UTW.

Yes, Justice League is stupid, schlocky, and has a bad villain. However, I had such a good time watching this movie that I can’t help but give it a shoutout.

As far as Wonder Woman goes, it’s in a gruesome battle with Logan as the most “it’s fine” movie of the year.

Worst Movie of the Year: Star Wars: The Last Jedi

I don’t know if mere words can convey how I feel about TLJ. This movie is so terrible in so many ways. And no Matt, this movie is not a mature Star Wars movie. What the hell is mature about Luke milking an effing space cow??? This movie is boring, the plot is meandering, and it pretty much acts like no other Star Wars movies exist. I’ll probably need to write a separate post about why this movie is terrible, but that will likely be at a later date.

Oh, and the hyperdrive scene was not cool. It made no sense and was very awkward when all the sound cut in the theater.




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